All I Did Was Blink

Being 39: Where I've been, Where I am, and Where I'm going…

real January 25, 2011

Filed under: Life — itsahappyblog @ 8:23 pm
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Mask statue1

Image via Wikipedia

i see the mask that i wear

it’s in place on my face

tightly wound like i’m bound to some secret even i don’t want to know about

This is the beginning of a poem I wrote about ten years ago. I used to have more of it memorized than what is here. When I put my hands on the copy again maybe I will post the rest of it. What I have shared has run around in my mind lately as I have been away from my blog. My intentions are for this year to be about getting my mental, emotional, spiritual, physical, relational and surrounding ‘house’ in order. I am doing this with some degree of success already. What I know is coming throws my internal walls up faster than you can say, “Where is the happy blog??”!

Ultimately, and in spite of what often comes out on the screen, I am a truly happy person. I have a faith that is strong, a family that loves me, a man who would do anything for me, friends willing to sharpen and encourage. I am blessed beyond measure. I love life. I love music and nature, travel and being at home. I enjoy reading, movies, cooking and baking, entertaining, laughing…

It’s just that there are some big things that need to be addressed on a deeper level than I have ever allowed myself to really go. The ugly past stuff that has helped shape some of the less happy parts of my life. Most of us have history that we would rather not repeat lurking around somewhere back there. Some harsher than others. I despise the word victim. It sounds weak, like there was no hope for the victimized to have any other outcome than what they have experienced.

Why is it that some who face adversity are able to shake off the dust of the past and seemingly excel at life in general? And then there are those who carry a load of chains wrapped around their entire being that simply drags them down, getting them stuck in the muck and mire of bottom dwelling.

For a while there is an ability to mask or hide what burdens the soul. There is a façade. A persona. Eventually that veil gets lifted or removed to show hurt and pain, confusion and defensiveness.

Late last night I typed for a couple of hours. The beginnings of something, what – I am still uncertain. Hopefully my thoughts today have not been too random. I am still in that writing head space. Just thinking ‘out loud’ on the blog…

Be encouraged readers, our journeys do not have to be solitary ones. I may be kicking and screaming but I am moving forward, thanks in part to several of you!

PS…post-a-day?? HA!! yeah right…not these days;) Ah well…I do enjoy reading from others though…maybe a little too much…

 

 

The Seven Month Plan October 5, 2010

Boxes 1

Image by Skrewtape via Flickr

I feel a move coming on…

Since the age of twelve, I have lived a very transient lifestyle. Recently I calculated that I have moved 14 times in 24 years. That may not seem like a lot to some people, but I always envied the stories of families living in the same house on the same property for generations. “I was born in this house, married here, raised my children here, we have a family graveyard on the grounds…”

Most of the moves I have made as an adult have looked something like this:

  1. Time to move again
  2. OK, I have x months to get ready
  3. Plenty of time to slowly downsize my belongings so as not to move so many boxes and bins
  4. OK, I have a month before the move, time to pick up the pace since I have about 3 boxes actually packed in an organized fashion
  5. One week to go, better sort some stuff after the move, lets at least keep rooms separated so we don’t have trouble finding things later
  6. Tomorrow the truck will be here, start throwing things in boxes, doesn’t even matter if we sort, label, whatever…just get it done
  7. Aaahh, please save this room for last, I’ll keep packing while you guys load everything else up
  8. Good thing we planned to move three days before we need to hand over the keys…we will have to load up the car and make some final trips over the next couple of days and save the last day for cleaning
  9. Umm..now that we are in our ‘new’ place…can we try to move everything still packed into one room so we can gradually go through the boxes and still have decent living space??
  10. Just shut the door when company comes over, I can’t even LOOK at that room…grrrr…I’ll NEVER be organized!!
  11. Time to move again
  12. OK, I have x months to get ready…

In many areas of my life I am a very detailed, organized, disciplined, rational, dependable person. When it comes to uprooting my living space it is a completely different story. I have the tendency to throw nothing away. Nothing. I have the ticket stub to every movie I have ever seen in a theater. I have the program for every graduation, the invitation to every wedding, the order of service for every funeral…let alone every book I have ever owned, every kitchen appliance that ever caught my eye, every holiday decoration, every photo…

Now, I have seen those television shows, like Hoarders, where people can not even walk in the front door of their 5 bedroom house without stepping over the mountains of hoarded junk (much still in the original packaging) and their lives are stuck. I recognize how easily I could be that person. If I had money, I may very well be facing an intervention of my own.

Let me be clear. I have a room in my apartment with no furniture in it. This is where my boxes live. The rest of our living space is ‘company ready’, as my mom would refer to it. Clean, organized, places to sit and interact. I go in ‘the room’ on occasion to find whatever it is I ‘think I still have’ to try to find it…mostly my husband gets this job. *sorry babe*

It IS out of control. It IS tiring, frustrating, debilitating. But this is the year of the change, right. Right.

So on to the Seven Month Plan. IF we move in the spring, I want to move lighter than I ever have. In the next seven months I want to eliminate the need for a ‘storage room’. A storage closet would not bother me in the least. I would like, however, to be able to use any extra room in our space for guests. Maybe there would be a place for something more permanent, we have talked about some day fostering or adopting…

Well then, I need a plan. Lets not spend most of the next seven months planning out the plan. Lets get it down ‘on paper’ right here, right now.

Each month I want to report back my ‘room cleanse’ progress. Each week I want to set a goal manageable with my schedule. Each day I want to DO something toward that goal. Is it going to good will? Put it in the car now. Is it getting sold? Is it recyclable?? Trash???

Sounds somewhat familiar to my starting list. The difference is the accountability I am trying to add by sharing it in my blog. Thanks in advance for cheering me on…tonight, box number 1!

 

It’s My Birthday And I’ll Blog If I Want To! September 7, 2010

Filed under: Life — itsahappyblog @ 6:00 pm
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Today I turn 39!

That’s right. I said it. And I mean it! Not 39 again…not forever 39. Actually and really and truly – 39.

Aaahhhhhhh!!!! How did this happen??

OK. Now that I’ve gotten that out of my system, let’s talk about…me…turning 39!

I have written and re-written this first blog entry probably at least 39 times and I keep revising and revisiting every sentence and paragraph. So, I’ve thrown all of those drafts away and I am free-falling through this initial post because, really, what do I know about blogging anyway?

Over the last couple of weeks I have visited the freshly pressed page and explored some wonderful sites for inspiration and encouragement. I have found an amazing new community in which to ramble on about all that I love in life…travel, food, friends, family, books, games – you name it!

My blog is going to be about…

wait for it…

ME – turning 39!!!!!

Who is this woman looking back at me in the mirror every day? What has she done with the girl I once was? Do I like the way she behaves? Do I want to continue on her path? Is she the best me that I can be??

Answers: she IS me, she has buried deep in her memory most of who I was as a girl, I do not like everything she does, I want to continue on her path but I also want to help her to MOVE ON from some of who she has become…she is NOT my best me.

Honestly, she will never be my best me. I am incapable of perfection.

I need to repeat that (strictly for my own benefit). I am incapable of perfection!! The fact that I have not allowed myself to live in the truth of that statement has gone a long way in getting me to the place I am today. I am a perfectionist. I am a procrastinator. Throw in a little OCD (no comments from the peanut gallery). I am too much of this and not enough of that and I drive myself crazy trying to navigate my way through all the noise in my head.

So, starting today and for the next year I intend to investigate my life. I want to see me for me. I want to see where I have been, where I am now, and where I am going. I am not planning to just observe (I’ve done enough of that over the years). I intend to be proactive. I intend for this blog to be interactive (this means YOU). And I intend to have the loudest, craziest, funnest (can I use that as a word? please??) time doing it!

I was about to say wish me luck.

Forget that, wish me endurance, honesty, persistence. Wish me a happy blog! Together we can work on the healthy future!!

Today I turn 39!   Bring It On!!

 

 
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