All I Did Was Blink

Being 39: Where I've been, Where I am, and Where I'm going…

real January 25, 2011

Filed under: Life — itsahappyblog @ 8:23 pm
Tags: , , , ,
Mask statue1

Image via Wikipedia

i see the mask that i wear

it’s in place on my face

tightly wound like i’m bound to some secret even i don’t want to know about

This is the beginning of a poem I wrote about ten years ago. I used to have more of it memorized than what is here. When I put my hands on the copy again maybe I will post the rest of it. What I have shared has run around in my mind lately as I have been away from my blog. My intentions are for this year to be about getting my mental, emotional, spiritual, physical, relational and surrounding ‘house’ in order. I am doing this with some degree of success already. What I know is coming throws my internal walls up faster than you can say, “Where is the happy blog??”!

Ultimately, and in spite of what often comes out on the screen, I am a truly happy person. I have a faith that is strong, a family that loves me, a man who would do anything for me, friends willing to sharpen and encourage. I am blessed beyond measure. I love life. I love music and nature, travel and being at home. I enjoy reading, movies, cooking and baking, entertaining, laughing…

It’s just that there are some big things that need to be addressed on a deeper level than I have ever allowed myself to really go. The ugly past stuff that has helped shape some of the less happy parts of my life. Most of us have history that we would rather not repeat lurking around somewhere back there. Some harsher than others. I despise the word victim. It sounds weak, like there was no hope for the victimized to have any other outcome than what they have experienced.

Why is it that some who face adversity are able to shake off the dust of the past and seemingly excel at life in general? And then there are those who carry a load of chains wrapped around their entire being that simply drags them down, getting them stuck in the muck and mire of bottom dwelling.

For a while there is an ability to mask or hide what burdens the soul. There is a façade. A persona. Eventually that veil gets lifted or removed to show hurt and pain, confusion and defensiveness.

Late last night I typed for a couple of hours. The beginnings of something, what – I am still uncertain. Hopefully my thoughts today have not been too random. I am still in that writing head space. Just thinking ‘out loud’ on the blog…

Be encouraged readers, our journeys do not have to be solitary ones. I may be kicking and screaming but I am moving forward, thanks in part to several of you!

PS…post-a-day?? HA!! yeah right…not these days;) Ah well…I do enjoy reading from others though…maybe a little too much…

 

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4 Responses to “real”

  1. Mare Says:

    Well, Kimmy, this one speaks loads of you, me and many many others, I’m sure. I want to think I am one of those who have had adversity and more often than not get beyond it, having learned in its stead; most of the time I think this happens. Perhaps not moving “beyond” can be because it receives attention (as the victim or martyr, or __). I’d rather not be noticed for being the one who was hurt. Come to think of it, I’d rather not be noticed for being the one to overcome either. My preference is when God gets “me” out of the way, and helps me support others’ achievements, but I have to pray for that as humbleness does not come naturally to me. Peace, sister!

    • Mare, YOU my friend are an amazing support and cheerleader! You have given me another train of thought to explore with the idea of ‘not moving beyond … receives attention’. Ugh. I sure hope that is not what I do. No doubt I have, but would rather be the quiet over-comer lending a hand to others along the way. Less of me, more of Him!! Oh for heaven and the promise of no more trials, grief or tears! Love ya..

  2. Andrea Says:

    What the world!?!? Kimmy and Mare…making me cry. Kimmy, I am so proud of you for being determined to make this journey. And remember, you can always kick and scream in my direction. Love you!


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